I seem to have left my pride at pride
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
