she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
