I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
