Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
