my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
