Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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