I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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