my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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