when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
