Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
