Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
