He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
