Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
