This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
