Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
