you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
