Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Send help, water and tortillas.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
