i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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