My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
