Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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