My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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