i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
