You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
