New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
