I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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