Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
