I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
