There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
