Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
