You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
