Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
