couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
