Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
