brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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