I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
