i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
