god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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