She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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