you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
