i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
