Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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