is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
