woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
