hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
