Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In other news, I just burned my penis
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
