It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
