I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
What drink are we having for lunch?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
