everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
