I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
