so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
