It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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