Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
