it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
