Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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