Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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