Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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