Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
