My brain says no but my pants say off.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
