Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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