How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize
