I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
