When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
