Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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